Hollywood is running out of ideas. It seems that all you see nowadays is illogical sequels to movies where the lead character, who should be in a retirement home, is running around the world like he's just been offered free Viagra, adaptations to the most insignificant and forgotten comic book heroes, and remakes of complete outdated TV shows from the 70's and 80's.

It's been recently announced that a new A-Team movie is in production. Yes, the show that teaches kids that even though you never get paid for the services you provide you can still take gratitude to the bank and live off the interest for years, and that shooting at bad guys would only blow up everything around them causing them to fall down on the ground and surrender without resisting, is now being resurrected.

How could this show possibly be remade in a believable manner to fit modern times? I've compiled a list of possible offenders who could be used to make this blasphemy a reality.

Jim Carrey as Capt. H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock

There's no doubt in my mind that Jim Carrey is the perfect candidate for the job. This would be his greatest role since "The Riddler" on Batman Forever. Granted, that movie blowed, but good ol' Jimbo gave the best performance of his life. When director Joel Schumacher saw Ace Ventura for the first time, he immediately shouted out "This is the guy I need for my Batman movie!" Forget the fact that the script had more holes than the holey rusted metal (batman!), or the fact that Bruce Wayne, for some reason, is Blonde, and that the character of Harvey "two-face" Dent is actually The Joker's character reloaded, let's focus on the real star of the Batman franchise – The Riddler!

Whoever is chosen to direct the new A-team should do the same. Plot-wise… It's the A-Team, who cares? Every time you feel that there's something in the movie that doesn't really add up, Carrey would make his face look like a banana, or bark, or yell out "I wear women's panties for insurance reasons!" or something like that, and you'll soon forget about silly things such as continuity and common sense.

Laurence Fishburne as Sgt. Bosco "B.A." Baracus

Yes, I know, an odd choice, but think about it! Only in the 80's could a ridiculously outlandish character such as Mr. T exist. And when you're making an adaptation, if you discover you cannot be true to the source and still contain a reasonable amount of reliability, you might as well pull an Ang Lee and transform the basic premise of the story into something overcomplicated and misguided, that people will be forced to applaud.

Much like Michael Bay's attempt at The Transformers, where he decided that having a robot that transforms into a soda can machine won't be a desecration of childhood memories around the globe, or Michael Mann's attempt to seriousen-up Miami Voice (it was so serious I fell asleep after five minutes of watching), Laurence Fishburne would give a contra to Carrey's twin-like resemblance of the character of Mad Murdock. In this version of the A-Team, B.A would be an insightful, philosophy spewing, vegetarian, misunderstood pacifist brute, who was given a second chance at life after being wrongfully accused of a crime he did commit. I can picture him saying "I pity the fool who fails to comprehend the essence of existence which manifests itself through this depiction of useless violence". I smell an Oscar!

Leslie Nielsen as Col. John "Hannibal" Smith

White hair: Check!
Affection for cigars: Check!
Master of disguise: Check!

Leslie is a most suitable candidate for this role. To contra's Laurence Fishburne's contra of Jim Carrey's accurate depiction of Mad Murdock, Leslie will be here to remind you that after all, this is not a serious movie, even if it was directed by Milos Forman or Francis Ford Coppola. Nielsen doesn't get that many roles anymore, and as a matter of fact, I think he should play in all of these recent adaptations of laughable past creations, just to remind everybody not to take these things too seriously.

He would have done an amazing job as Agent Simmons on the Transformers movie, instead of John Turturro's debasing performance as the goofy top secret government agent. If Leslie happens to pass on during the production (well, he is old) I guess Steve Martin could take over. He's shown us that he has no problem pissing all over class cinema on his new version of The Pink Panther, so pissing all over classic television trash would be a piece of cake.

Ashton Kutcher as Lt. Templeton "Faceman" Peck

Initially, I chose Collin Farrell for this role. After getting ones of angry fan mail, I've come to realize that was not a good choice. Although he is a generic Hollywood pretty boy, he just doesn't have the look. Someone suggested Matthew Mcconahay. Na, too rugged. Then it came to me – no one could do this role better than good ol' Michael Kelso! He's pretty, he's dumb… he's perfect! Okay, he did prove that he can do more than just be pretty and stupid on The Butterfly Effect, but then again, he proved that he can do less on Just Married. Kutcher would put a new spin on Face. An overconfident pretty boy, too stupid for his own good, picking up chicks while everybody else is busy shooting at exploding air.

Jessica Alba as A-team female appendix

Why Jessica Alba? Because she's hot. Damn, she's hot. Also, since this role usually required absolutely no acting skills, Jessica is a shoe in! Besides, with the Fantastic Four and Sin City franchises, she's becoming one of the main stock holders of adaptation opportunities everywhere. It'd be craziness not to bring her! Also, she's hot. Damn…

Elijah Wood as the nerdy guy who can use the internet

Yes, I know that there's no such character on the original A-Team, but deal with it. The internet is here, it's queer, and it's here to stay. These Vietnam (or maybe, this time, Gulf War?) washouts are going to need assistance in this cold and estranged world of technology. Having Face scam nice old ladies for some spare change and accidentally stumble into a barn full of mechanical tools and wielding instruments while being held captive is just not going to cut it anymore. And since Murdock will be too busy singing out of his ass, B.A pondering the meaning of existence, Hannibal performing outdated verbal comedy and face too busy striking pose #53 at the cameras, somebody will have to go online and save the day! Maybe this time Frodo will actually get the girl, instead of the… err… guy.

Okay, now I even got myself scared. Somebody has to say it. Hollywood, stop it. Just stop. If you don't have an idea for a movie, you don't have to make a movie every five minutes. Save some money. Go on a trip, clear your head. I'm sure that something else will come up. Leave the 80's where they belong – in the past.