So here is how it's going to be: I'm going to pretend that these events happened this week, even though they happened two weeks ago. Why? I don't know. All I know is that if I don't, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is going to get really, really angry.
The Air I breathe
Sometimes you just feel like going to the movies. You don't know exactly what you want to see and if there's anything good out there at all since it's not the season, but then you decide, what the heck – it's only 450 dollars a ticket.
On Sunday, We took the chance and went to see The Air I breathe. I remember seeing the billboards and saying: Sarah Michelle Geller and Brendan Fraser? What a weird cast. But there weren't any alternatives. For us at the cinema, that is. I'm pretty sure there are thousands of starving actors who would have loved to have their careers destroyed by playing in this movie.
The movie starts with a worn out cliché about how we go through life doing as we're told, studying hard just so we'd be rewarded with more studying, so eventually we will be able to make lots of money and have expensive possessions and live a nice life. Honestly, this "protest" became unoriginal and sanctimonious maybe two minutes after Fight Club, and I'm sorry, but ten years later – living a good life still isn't such a dreadful fate.
We're told about this path by Forest Withaker, who plays a smalltime investment banker, in a performance so neurotic that would even make Woody Allen twitch in his seat and say "Oy vey! this is making me uncomfortable..." Withaker decides to follow Harold (Sans the Kumar) and some other guy from work to the horse tracks because they have a lead on a "fixed race". Now how they get the horses to cheat, that I never understood.
Withaker puts all his life savings times ten on the horse, which obviously loses, and then he is taken to the back room where he is met up with Andy Garcia, in his usual Mobster role (but this time with a twist: he likes R&B!), and he is called fingers, because… well I think you can figure it out by ourselves. Fingers asks Forest some questions, but he's so neurotic he can't say anything but "I like butterflies". So then Forest gets a gun from Brendan Fraser and robs a bank, gets chased down by the cops, throws the bag with the money off the roof and is shot down dead while laughing. Lesson learned: It's better to die laughing then live… sitting. By the way, those were about the first two minutes of the movie.
I guess I should have learned my lesson after seeing Hulk: never watch American movies directed by Chinese directors.
So apparently Brendan Fraser has the power to see the future, which is always nice. Fraser gives an untypical performance: instead of looking surprised all the time, he appears… moderately disturbed. I know that it's a slight difference, but it's there, believe you me. It's like, maybe he USED to be surprised by seeing the future, but now he's gotten used to it. But then he loses that power because he sees a picture of a pretty girl. Well, a picture of Sarah Michelle Geller, anyway. And she, apparently, is a fergie-like pop singer, who was sold to Andy Garcia. Fraser, obviously, works for Garcia, and is given the chore of guarding SMG. He takes her down to his basement like apartment with no windows, which appears to be strangely similar to Angel's apartment, and then he goes out to work. She gets the impression that since she's been there for five minutes, it's okay to start completely redecorating the place, because "she's going to be staying there for a while". Then Fingers calls the house phone while Fraser is away, and after that idiot bitch got so comfortable there, she decides to answer it.
So now he's dead, and she's forced to shake her ass for money and pretend she's singing (Sarah Michelle Geller, not her character). And all of the sudden there's a doctor (Kevin Bacon) who needs to save his best friend's wife (who he has been love with for his entire life), after she was bit by a snake (yeah, that’s right. Bit by a snake!) and she has a rare blood type, but so does SMG's character, so then he she tries to jump off the roof but he saves her and she gives him her blood and he saves the woman so she can live to boink his best friend another and then SMG drives away and suddenly a bag full of cash falls on the top of her car.
And this is supposed to be the depiction of some ancient Chinese wisdom. I guess the Chinese aren't that smart after all (See Hulk for proof. On second thought, don't.)
I know what you're thinking: What, that's it? Well I left some details out. I tried to stick just to the significant parts, but quite frankly, there were none, so I randomized it. This movie was as tedious as hell. Imagine what I wrote now, only two hours long, and feeling like eight. The movie is divided to four parts. Happiness (guy makes the greatest mistake of his life and gets killed for it), Pleasure (Guy who sees the future and resorts to a life of crime because of it), Sorrow (Sarah Michelle Geller talking, and "singing") and Love (Snakes on the mother fucking plane!). And let me tell you, after half of the main characters of the movie were dead, we were sure the movie was over. Imagine our disappointment when Love came along. It's always nice to be introduced with a new main character after 100 minutes of film. We returned home exhausted. Conclusion: if there's nothing good in the cinema, there are probably still hundreds of classic movies you haven't seen yet and can easily steal on the internet.
The Kite Runner
This movie is based on a best-selling novel that I never bothered reading. So I figured it's a good thing they made a movie out of it, because otherwise… well, nothing significant would have happened, really, except me still not reading the book.
After almost being late to the movie on Wednesday (i.e. arriving exactly on time) we (a different we) sat down and listened to approximately two hours of Persian in a movie that was technically made in the USA. Actually, this movie was quite good. And Persian sounds like a beautiful language, unlike the brute Arabic dialect we get in these parts of the Middle East. There were also like, four sentences in English, but who cares when you got subtitles anyway?
It tells the story of two friends, Amir and Hassan, one is the son of a rich and powerful man of the elite, and the other is the son of that man's servant. So Basically Hassan is Amir's servant, but despite that, they manage to create a special bond, similar to BFF but even closer!
Then some stuff happens. I don't want to write too much about the actual plot because I've already wasted like 700 words on that piece of shit movie and I'm really trying to cut my posts short. The bottom line: go watch this movie; it is well-worth the mortgage you'll have to take on your camel in order to buy a ticket. It's got everything: friendship, honor, laughter, romance (not between the two boys, although… it's close), sports (well, if kite flying is a sport… in the movie it seemed pretty cool), and even some action, for those of you who feel like seeing the Taliban get their asses kicked. And who doesn’t?
Now, I'm sure there are some people out there who will start bitching about how this movie didn't follow the book to the letter, because the book had 200 pages describing the views and detailing a completely insignificant event that contributes practically nothing to the plot, but is still somehow totally important and the story is worthless without it. Well, I'm going to say this once and for all: fuck books, okay? Fuck them up their anti-environmental tree killing asses. There are no good books – there are only bad movie adaptations. And you can quote me on that!
So this is it for now: more posts coming soon, for real this time!